you know it's funny that 4 years ago i thought my life was so perfect except for a few things. a world cup later with the "few things" fulfilled and my life has been turned inside out. i am so growing fat and retarded.

i think as we grow we discover more things to do and thus add more distraction to our lives.

all through ns i was complaining about how good uni life would be, now i'm looking towards it with bated enthusiasm. i don't know if it's the fear of trying new things, which i thought i had conquered, or it's the pressure mounted by my parents, which i should have already gotten used to. i think i just miss living life without worries and messing things up and still smiling like an idiot.

whenever i lose money i get pretty upset, so sometimes i think i should rid myself of this mindset. but i end up overdoing it throwing money away. i think foreigners have it good. they earn money easily, so they don't have to work so hard for it, unlike singapore. singapore = rat race. it's like after the rat gets his cheese he still has to finish it quickly so that he can go for another one. that is like so sad. i would rather live in a place where cheese is abundant and have my cheese as and when i like.

i changed my mind because i forgot what i was going to writre about. so it ends here.

this is a story of a guy. when he was borned into the kampong they did not even have a birth registry system. so his birthday was made to be the 1st of january of every year.

he grew up and worked, and work was all he ever did. he worked as hard labour in the day and moonlighted as car mechanic. even in those harsh environment the lure of alcohol, cigarettes, prostitution and all things bad did not get the best of him. his only bad habit, most of those who knew him said, was food. soon he found himself a wife, but his parents passed away while he was young, so he seeked approval from his cousin's parents.

soon after, he got a more stable job as a taxi driver. had three kids, a son followed by a daughter then another son. and as age caught up with him, his kidney's started failing, it was either his genes or the eating habits that led him to become a regular at NKF dialysis centres.

he was a very forgiving man, and one who kept troubles to himself. he was once under the care of one of the many under-trained nurses from NKF, she proceeded with dialysis even when he had his tourniquet on. imagine a restrain tied across your arms so that blood flow would be next to impossible and have the dialysis machine pumping more fluid into your veins. his right arm, which was also the family's means and source of income, were nearly decapicitated. all he mentioned about the incident was, " it's okay now that it's over."

he worked hard not giving himself a rest behind the wheel, saying that when he was 70 years old the government would stop him from driving and by then he would have nothing to do. so this new year he had to trade his car in.

he never lived to trade the taxi back in person.

of recent days he was heard to have mentioned that he would not be able to crossover to the
year 2006. it was also more than coincidental that his elder brother died in china a year ago on the same day.

on that fateful new year's eve, he was scheduled on dialysis after his midnight shift on the cab. he brought a lot of money with him, saying that he would take his wife out to supper after dialysis. but it was an insane amount of money to bring about with a person.

during dialysis he had to go to the toilet. being the person who did not want to trouble others, he told the nurse that he was okay to go by himself. halfway back from the toilet he collapsed,though he made it to the hospital, he died after that.

he was my father's cousin. my uncle. i dared not look at him at the wake, for those who saw him jerked tears uncontrollably, i nearly did when offering incense in front of his portrait. he was such a nice person.

this entry is in remembrance of him.

went for a run. really cannot make it. time to get in shape and i must start an exercise regime at home and in camp because i realised my belly is getting bigger. new year resolution? hope i reduce that belly.

disheartening news. i still have extras, obviously some fella in charge went back on his words without even knowing he made THAT statement. now i still have extras to clear. without rank anybody is just a shithead pawn overworked and stripped of human rights. it's ok i'll just hang on. give me christmas eve, new year eve, chinese new year. JUST BRING IT. it's only 3 miserable months. what is that compared to the 1 year 11 months i crawled through.

what have i got to say about this camp? it's not worth it. they underpay you but make it up in honour and glory. what's with the rapid depreciation of this currency. used to be blood, tears, endless sweat and unrelenting determination. now it's just a stroll in the park. i've never been a sucker for pride. i just thought joining the "elites" would teach me something cool and useful. i was still a sucker in the end.

happy new year for all. even though i may seem to hate you(or i really hate you) but i really wish that everyone have their good days and sort everything out. everybody's human after all just don't make the same mistake, because you would be a moron then not "human". oh yes that's another thing, i hate people making same mistakes even though they've been scolded till their head smelly. yes before i deviate, happy new year and a happy chinese new year also because i really like to make myself suffer in camp and i can't wish you all personally on that day.

to alan and joshua, thanks for the cards dudes, you guys actually bothered to ask for my new address and send the card over really thanks. now i wonder how many cards would still be sent to my old address... i hope none haha. so stop sending cards! because i won't send them back! firstly i'm too lazy. secondly i'm not good with words, the cards looks too bare and stripped if not filled with handwriting all over. thirdly my handwriting is disgusting, even ex-girlfriends whom i wrote love letters for said that the only way was up, i couldn't get worse.

no good news at all. not a good start for the new year. but i will adopt a positive attitude towards everything that i do(another new year resolution). i shall be more kind and patient. hopefully i stick to my resolutions and resolute myself to it(another new year resolution). IT NEVER ENDS.

bottomline: i want to be a better person.